Live Unhurt Die Alone
by BellatrixLestrangey
Summary: Azula ship challenge week 4 (Lies): Azula tells herself that she doesn't love Sokka but when he is about to leave for home, the feelings boil over.


The lies Azula told herself helped her sleep at night. They helped her avoid that which she sought to avoid. There was nothing that she desired to stay away from more than love. Love for someone who she, at the same time, hated beyond all compare. Someone who probably felt half the same—the requited half being the hatred bit. So she lied to herself, convincing her mind that there were no feelings to be had. Especially the kind of feelings that could quicken the heart, flutter the stomach, and color the face a bright red. She had always been told that she was good at lying so maybe if she said it enough, she would come to believe her own lies…just like everyone else. Hopefully from there she could convince the Water Tribe boy that despise was the only thing she had for him.

And yet it ate away at her. The feeling. The loneliness. It hurt more than she could have ever thought. She wanted reciprocation but also secrecy. She wanted sweet words and caring caresses but all at once she wanted security and to remain in a sturdy comfort zone.

 _You'll live secure and unhurt but die alone._ She didn't mean to think it of course, the notion invited itself into her stream of thought. But it was the truth. Either she stepped out of what she knew, out of what she could control or she could keep her pride and keep her solitude.

Sokka was only two floors down, making merry conversation with her brother and friends. But he wouldn't be very much longer; he was set to leave for home the next day. She didn't know when he'd be back.

She could go downstairs and lay her cards on the table or she could let him sail away without a clue. She had a choice and she didn't want to make it. Because, for once, she didn't know what to do. She had no carefully planned words, nor witty thing to say if they went wrong. Even if she did, she was sure that they'd come out horrifically wrong. It would be much easier to keep telling herself that she only felt resentment towards Sokka. So much easier to just keep playing back every memory of him that irritated her, rather than recalling that he was the only person to really try to make conversation with her this past week. Rather than recalling that he'd already caught her on the cusp of a breakdown and brought her out of it.

She chewed her bottom lip, realizing that she just made a good point. He had already seen her exposed and venerable—with nothing but raw and intense emotion. Negative, frightening emotion, she added to herself. He'd never seen intense positive emotion from her—that was a different battleground. One she couldn't navigate nearly as well. She ran a frustrated hand through her hair. Another unwelcomed thought occurred to her; _he's already seen you cry._ A blush crept over her cheeks at the realization's dawning. She quickly brushed it away. But her mind was keen on adding; _more than once…_ and she remembered their endeavor in the Forgetful Valley. That was different—she didn't know how, but somehow it was—and this something made crying more acceptable. By extension, she has only been out of her comfort zone around him once. _Still counts_ , part of her whispered. A louder part of her said that it didn't. The louder part was still lying.

Sort of lying anyhow. She truly did believe that it was one matter for her to express fierce negative emotions and another to express…love. She hesitated to even think the word. She wrapped her arms around herself, hit with a bought of helplessness.

She almost pulled herself out of her room. Almost went downstairs to ask Sokka if he'd like to have a word with her.

Almost.

She never got passed almost.

She watched the sun burry itself under the horizon. Sokka would depart tomorrow and she will have said nothing. She was safe in her comfort zone. Safe in her lies. And maybe if she kept repeating them (and with some distance between them) the feelings would see themselves out.

.oOo.

Azula dragged herself out of bed feeling heavy with mixed feelings. She would watch him go from her bedroom window and tell herself that she didn't care. Maybe she would even offer a smug smile and pretend to be relieved. She watched Aang, Katara, and Toph disappear onto the boat. Only Sokka remained talking to Zuko. But that was over pretty fast as well. With a wave, Zuko retreated back into the palace. She watched a little longer feeling a tightness in her stomach. He was going to leave still feeling only mild dislike and perhaps pity for her. He'd still see her as a monster like everyone else. She tried to convince herself that she didn't care.

"Just a minute guys!" She heard him yell. "I forgot my boomerang."

With that he was back inside. With mixed feelings and without thinking, she took to the hallways. She had no intention of going to the guest room. But she was going to walk in the direction with a silent hope (one she didn't even acknowledge) that she'd run into Sokka along the way. She didn't expect it to happen though, so when it did her feelings reached their boiling point. The helplessness, the confusion, the onslaught of potential embarrassment…

Azula counted herself blessed, that no one else was around to hear her weep.

No one but Sokka.

Never mind saying something foolish, she hadn't even managed to get a word out.

Just like he did earlier that week, he put his arms around her. He remained the only person with the balls to approach her when crying. "What's wrong. Sad to see me go?" He added that last part with the sarcasm she recognized and liked him for. He expected her to laugh at his false self-loathing but this time she couldn't.

"Yes." She mumbled just above a whisper.

Sokka furrowed his brows. "What?"

She repeated herself with a little more volume.

Sokka laughed nervously. "Good one, Azula. You can't fool me though, because I know the truth."

"You do not." She stated as matter of factly as she possibly could have. "Not at all." She fought to control her breathing. To control what she was saying, but the words that had been on the tip of her tongue for a long while were finally leaping off of the edge. "I don't want you to go. I want you to stay with me."

All Sokka could muster was a question. "W-why?"

"I…" she tried softening the blow. "I like you. You're the only person who has _started_ a conversation with me. And the only one to follow it through."

"But you hated our conversations."

"Not true." Azula said. "It's just that your opinions are always wrong and it's annoying. But at least you say them. Most people are afraid to."

Sokka glanced of out the window. "You're going to make me miss my boat. They made it pretty clear that they have a schedule and they won't tweak it even for the Avatar."

Azula rubbed the tears from her eyes. "Good. I'm better than your silly boat ride anyhow. The Fire Nation is superior as well…we don't have snow storms."

"I like snow storms."

"As I said, your opinions are wrong. If you have any disputes you're going to have to stay here and vocalize them."

Sokka smirked. "You always were good at distracting me." He replied as he watched the boat depart.

Azula still hadn't told him that it was deeper than just liking him. But she had bought herself more time. Even if she couldn't bring herself to come out with the truth this time around, at least he would leave her without ill feelings.


End file.
